Preparation

This time I am not in a mess,but I am the mess!Too much to handle and too much to figure at once.Conflicting thoughts crowd me all the time and worries. Worrying about being fair,but worrying about caring on the other hand and wanting to take the plunge but then again not being able to fight my fear.I am weak,very very weak,I love my safe cosy corner,pulling myself out of it is an impossible task for me!The hurt will remain,the guilt that I was the reason for the hurt will be a burden with me forever!What I wonder is that will anyone realize who I have hurt the most? maybe not! In this world people don't see it unless shown and people wont see.The answer to this question therefore will remain a mystery!

The End.

I want to break free
let the world fall apart
let it destroy itself
let hell defeat all sanity
and let madness set in
because now the pain has just crossed all limits
now it is all consuming!

I have tried very hard...
to let the pain flow through tears
or let it out with anger and shrieks
but all the salty water has dried up
and there's no noise in my helpless sobs!

I am looking for you!
let me hold on to you!
I swear I wont take much of your time
Just a few moments would be enough
and I will store it for the rest of my life.

Envisage.

Letting you mock me,
just because it makes you laugh.
Letting you confuse me,
only because it amuses you.
You can scare me,maneuver me,humiliate me
as I am living in your dream.

I am searching for you,
in every memory,in every moment,
Every song,every chorus,
helps me find you.
You are at the center,you are at every corner
it is almost like you are breathing in me,
as I am living in your dream.

Strange! How I have lost myself to you!
Not a bit of nervousness,or a tinge of fright!
I could be with you all day long...
and think of you when awake all night.
When I am around you,
life smiles at me,
loves me,pampers me,
as I am living in your dream!




This feeling can't be held back...
It can't be....!
It has no future.
It has no aim.
It is a breeze which has lost it's way.
I need to let it contain,
let it restrict,
and finally let it decay!
I need to be shaken up,
shaken up from this fantasy,
shaken up,from living in your dream.

A Musical.

In every song I see the different and various aspects of love.If it is pain in one song,Its ecstasy in another.In every song there are few lines which are very close to my heart because I wish that one day I will be able to or maybe already can identify myself with the sentiments being projected by that particular extract of that song.

"I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw."
(John Mayer)

Instances when you can feel this way and experience such joy and completeness is rare.
Its rare because mutual love is rare.
It is rare because reciprocation to your intense emotions with the same degree of intensity happens,but only once in a pink moon,and only with few blessed individuals. :)



"All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it
When you sing to me"
(Marc Anthony)

Most of the time,you never know!You never know,what you feel?
why you feel that way?
And is the other person feeling the same way?
Is it worth it?
And then in the midst of so much of speculation you fail to notice that,
it was always there!
always!just for you!
but you were too busy being safe!



"But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you."
(James Blunt)

Finally,you know that it wont happen!
How much you crave for it!
How much it may hurt you,
the uncertainty even bites you,pricks you,
but you have too much to handle,too many to manage,
too many feelings to respect,too much to realize!
Therefore,it ends with a blow, leaving a scar just for you.
You took care of others,just couldn't care for yourself!

Forward.

I love the way I gather myself each time I fall.Every such incident assures me of my strength and my tenacity. It feels good to know I am tough.
The process through which such a realization dawns is obviously not pleasant! Involves pain,anger,irritation,frustration and a whole lot of unwanted emotions but eventually while I face and deal with such filthy irritants I become harder each time,even better then before at gulping tears,suppressing desires and handling depression.
I wish to be happy most of the time in life and I know it is a common demand but I work towards being cheerful and not letting my friends be helpless victims of my complaints and grumbles. I have always solved my own problems and this time its not going to be any different,just that getting over uncertain emotions is almost an impossibility,but I know I can and will.





~ You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on. ~ Oprah Winfrey.

Going beyond.

Scattered around my mind,
just the few I can hold on to.
Not enough for a lifetime
but too much for now!
Not one longing look
not one loving exchange
not even one subtle touch
or a charming smile...
but when I ask myself
I know just the thought is enough.

I will let go of you!
but let me be...
let the thoughts remain
that is my only way
to have you close to me
to feel the touch
stare at the longing glance
and lose myself to your charming smile.
With every morning ray
and with every soft moon light
I will close my eyes
and let myself dream....
dream about being with you
dream about being a part of you
loving you,caring for you
and with these sights
I will fall deeper and deeper
never to cure ,never to recover.

Nothingness

It has been long
but it hasn't been enough
wondering and wandering about you
It is crazy,it is amazing
It is painful but blissful
should I take the plunge?
will I fall in love?
or will I just drop dead.

Recent Past.

Why do I have to go through it all over again?
not again,its very painful!
stop right there,its very painful!
my jaw hurts,but I have to smile!
that fake smile,irritating laugh
just to convince that I am still not done
just to convince I am not lost yet


End it now,leave it unfinished
it is just not about the fun anymore
it pricks me deep,hurts me bad
its not a nice feeling,to be trampled every time
trampled by your moves,trampled by your guts.
I want to kill it,
I want to stab it till it bleeds,
gun it down or choke it to death.
Just can't live with it
just wont live with it.

A song without a tune.

Every time I escape,
you hold me back in surprise!
Every time I lie
you catch me by my smile.
It is not amusing any more....
since I want to mask my feelings now.

You have a lot going on,
but I have only you,
in my mind messing around...
I have to let this go!
You are a master with words
but can't you see I am not?
You are still at the edge
but I am going down and down!


No clue,how I am smiling with a tear?
crying with a curve?
because you lead me on?
You made me overcome my fears
and you lead me on I think...
but it's still faraway,for me to sway
it's still faraway.
But.even you know for sure,
It's all because you lead me on...

....................

Always wanted a light breeze
but what is sweeping me off my feet
is the storm
it comes and goes
just like a tease.


careful...careful...careful...!

Slumber.

She hopes her heart beats louder
the time she would make her confession
so that when you cackle at her hopes
her beats overpower your laughter.
When she knows shes not worth you,
She can rip all her emotions.

because,Love is the cause of her death,
love is the cause of her fracture!

BLEH

I feel like blogging...I feel like writing about the eventful day but then there is so much I can't mention and so much of it needs to be portrayed differently and in a more subtle way that after a long day I don't really feel like putting that much effort!
The more and more I deal with life,face it and progress I realize how precious few people are to me. How I hate to see my friends unhappy or angry or helpless!
I feel like helping them doing something even going out of my way,but not always can I
do so,I am usually restricted.
I always feel I have this responsibility towards them,its compulsory for me to stand up for them,defend them even if they are devils,even if people think its "the more then friendship" feeling acting behind my
animated and vigorous fights. I don't know or care whether I get back as much as I give....I have never thought of that,'cos I am happy doing my bit and enjoying friendship which at present decorates every aspect of my life.

As for Love,It can wait!

The Healing......

Its never too late
its not too much of a risk
lets not hesitate,lets not complain
you know you can fix
you know you can make me live
just,cure me by your poison.

A hundred slits decor my wrist
how cold is the blood that flows
my heart throbbing against my fragile skin
and my eyes moist,worried and keen.

You know its time,
the time for me to perish.
But, you don't want to let go of me
you don't believe in just memories to cherish
so hold me back
with just, that one move
please,cure me by your poison.

The cut must be deeper!
the wound must bleed!!
My screams must not stop you
I know it pains your heart,
to pain my soul.
But,the time had come
to rewind my life
to preserve the passion
to protect the love
a new life in me you could feed
and,you cured me by your poison.